regretless

I fell in love with a boy who told me I smelled better when I hadn't bathed

I used all of these products from the body shop,

we didn't have the body shop yet, in idaho.

I wasn't quite a vegetarian

and I didn't really smoke cigarettes

but he was, and did
he smoked parliaments.

and he'd come over almost every day, though we weren't dating

and we weren't fucking

and he'd give me a hug when he got upstairs to the apartment

on kedzie blvd

I was blowdrying my hair

and I smelled like candy coconut and candy pear and all of the most exotic candy fruits

and he said, You'll smell better in a couple of days

I felt like he'd given me permission

for the first time in 19 years

to smell like a human being.

I was excited

because he hardly bathed

or washed his hair

or changed out of his russian military sweater

or his pleated pants

and I thought he smelled like the best thing in the world.

I met him in a photography class, and he told me later that he'd noticed me for awhile

he'd thought, Who is that sad girl

I just liked his sweater

and I was excited to see what he'd wear the next week

but I never in all of our time together

saw him wear anything else. 

we spent two true nights together

and on the third, I went to his house

and he told me that he couldn't do it anymore, that I should leave

and he went into the next room and put on sigur ros

and was crying and writing.

I sat in his kitchen, on his blowup mattress

and I cried, too

and I composed a letter to him

and I refused to leave because he was too important to me

and I already loved him with everything in me.

I forced myself to start smoking. marlboro reds, I thought they seemed tough.

and one day I stopped him at school, and I told him that he was too important

that we were too important to not know each other

and he agreed to have coffee with me.

he showed up. we talked & talked like nothing had changed

he asked if I wanted to go with him to take pictures

and so we drove to indianapolis.

we ate caffeine pills and smoked cigarettes

and I watched the midwestern middle-of-nowhere constellations

and I watched the sunrise 

over the chicago cityscape.

he left me at my house

and we hugged for a long time

and we were inseparable

later on we told each other that we loved each other

and we were best friends

but I crumbled when he'd fuck other girls

and refuse to sleep in my bed with me

and eventually I crumbled so badly

that I couldn't keep anything together anymore

so we lost each other

but I will never, ever regret

the millions of things learned.