a year ago today

we weren't yet listening to born to die by lana del rey, but I am now, and we did soonafter. it was right before christmas, days before and I was making screenprints in my room and it was 17 degrees outside in december. I remember walking from Gayulz Club down state st. to the hardware store where I purchased painters rags and who knows. I was almost crying, but it was sunny. this song really makes me remember that feeling. I had just been abandoned, the heart was sagging in my chest with loss. I remember that so much. but one year ago today (it's thanksgiving today, but a year ago it wasn't, but say last thanksgiving is a year ago today) I was too hungover, I think I threw up. I think andy left Gayulz Club to go to thanksgiving dinner with sun blood stories and I was left huddled on the couch. nickey made me scrambled eggs in coconut oil which is all I wanted, but I didn't tell her that the brown part of the eggs made me feel sick. I hugged andy around his waist and I urged him to come back soon. I wanted him to just hold onto me forever, thanks. 

we had gone last night one year ago today to brittany's SAD party, which was pretty fun, andy & I played piano and I danced with brett and nickey & brett & andy & I all walked home to Gayulz Club in the 17 degrees and we separated and remet at home upstairs. then it was the next day and I was too drunk for thanksgiving and honestly, I feel just about the same right now as I felt one year ago today. well?

bros

boys sobering up
boys being jealous of other boys' ability to sober up
boys getting stoned in the car, listening to pop music
boys inviting girls they sort of like to the bar
boys sharing a chair with girls at the bar
boys looking like part of a couple
boys seeing their exgirlfriends at the bar & avoiding eyecontact
boys seeing other boys' exgirlfriends at the bar & trying to avoid talking to them
boys not using condoms ever, woops
boys drinking out of the jars they brought from home
boys going home to try to fuck the girls they sort of like
boys getting naked for girls
boys being annoyed at girls when they change their minds
boys insisting on having an orgasm
boys sitting up in bed at 4:34 am, crying
boys saying, I think I'm going to go
boys saying, I don't care about this
boys sobbing while girls comfort them
boys sobbing that they need to get their shit together
boys saying, I need a smoke
boys weeping and smoking with girls on the porch while they smoke
boys saying, I want to meet someone who is as passionfilled as I
boys apologizing for being so crazy
boys making girls come, surprised
boys saying Thank you for being so kind to me
boys sleeping in
boys late for work
boys with bad news
boys really needing other boys
boys finding how their own problems are nothing compared to those of other boys
boys acting like everything will be all right
  because it will be, for them
     eventually

regretless

I fell in love with a boy who told me I smelled better when I hadn't bathed

I used all of these products from the body shop,

we didn't have the body shop yet, in idaho.

I wasn't quite a vegetarian

and I didn't really smoke cigarettes

but he was, and did
he smoked parliaments.

and he'd come over almost every day, though we weren't dating

and we weren't fucking

and he'd give me a hug when he got upstairs to the apartment

on kedzie blvd

I was blowdrying my hair

and I smelled like candy coconut and candy pear and all of the most exotic candy fruits

and he said, You'll smell better in a couple of days

I felt like he'd given me permission

for the first time in 19 years

to smell like a human being.

I was excited

because he hardly bathed

or washed his hair

or changed out of his russian military sweater

or his pleated pants

and I thought he smelled like the best thing in the world.

I met him in a photography class, and he told me later that he'd noticed me for awhile

he'd thought, Who is that sad girl

I just liked his sweater

and I was excited to see what he'd wear the next week

but I never in all of our time together

saw him wear anything else. 

we spent two true nights together

and on the third, I went to his house

and he told me that he couldn't do it anymore, that I should leave

and he went into the next room and put on sigur ros

and was crying and writing.

I sat in his kitchen, on his blowup mattress

and I cried, too

and I composed a letter to him

and I refused to leave because he was too important to me

and I already loved him with everything in me.

I forced myself to start smoking. marlboro reds, I thought they seemed tough.

and one day I stopped him at school, and I told him that he was too important

that we were too important to not know each other

and he agreed to have coffee with me.

he showed up. we talked & talked like nothing had changed

he asked if I wanted to go with him to take pictures

and so we drove to indianapolis.

we ate caffeine pills and smoked cigarettes

and I watched the midwestern middle-of-nowhere constellations

and I watched the sunrise 

over the chicago cityscape.

he left me at my house

and we hugged for a long time

and we were inseparable

later on we told each other that we loved each other

and we were best friends

but I crumbled when he'd fuck other girls

and refuse to sleep in my bed with me

and eventually I crumbled so badly

that I couldn't keep anything together anymore

so we lost each other

but I will never, ever regret

the millions of things learned.

bros

boys sitting around drawing portraits of flowers
boys laying in platonic bed together
with candlelights
boys telling each other that this song reminds them of their exgirlfriends
and then telling the story why
boys weeping when they drive
or when that phosphorescent song plays
boys in sleepingbags that smell like sweaty girls
boys apologizing to one another for being dicks
boys explaining why they're being dicks
boys talking on the phone for hours
boys buying boyznberry pie
boys crying when they pass the bookstore
or a tall road
or a tunnel
boys understanding other crying boys

I'mportant

I threw a mango in the bushes

I threw the ball for the dog a couple of times

do any of your sentences not have I in them? 

matty said that the other day when I was wearing those skates

I was talking about the cabin getting torn down

I was wearing those socal shades, they broke the next day I think?

I said fuck off, I think

I went around to the side of the house and sat down and started crying

I had friends pulling up from different cars, 

I stopped crying, but my shades were off

I told them about the cabin

for some reason, I apologized for crying

I got hugged

I laid next to matty later on the beach

he & I looked up at the sky

like we were on a dock

like we were 

and I were

I

I

I

I

what can't I say?

when I have all of the words? your songs make me butterfly in all of the tips of me. the rush of paper wings in veins. I am so in love, all of the time, & with everything. here I sit, in unionbay tee, with hat & frenched braid through the hole, listening to a song that MIGHT make you happy, MIGHT make you cry, and we both be nostalgic. & still we never, ever, ever meet. I have the regular liquors, the cocktail, the bourbon, the herbs from your crying garden. stay here! you wail, shirt longer than your shorts. but of course, I have to go now. but why? you cry out, as I pull those plump little cherry tomatoes from their vines. bye    bye