teen stuff

I just burned your name.

I watched the deathgray spread, smoking out

the fire on your letters

tried to scald your promise.

I have said goodbye so many many times

& keep finding little reminders, or they find me, or they already know me, or I them

I can see them behind my closed eyelids

little burns on my eyeballs always.

but I burned your name

& I couldn't ever say your good name. let's someone else say it for you

because I'm a giveme, we know

and you've ataken

which makes it all a part of it all.

scrapes, now, ashes

those letters

just stuff

on the wind

forever, dead like forever.

period

period

period

what I did

I smoked them all. I castrated them

When I lived with joey he told me about the time he went to a montana ranch

and he was superexcited, because on this ranch 

of course

there would be cowboys, so many

beautiful, beautiful cowboys

in denims

with lassos

& hats

& dust boots

& pockets clinging

and I totally got what he meant

But instead he was with beerbellied rednecks

with the straw in their teeth like it says

& the minimal views on the great wide sky.

The only projectors out there, have you even seen Big Sky Country?

And he had to wrangle the calves, the wriggly knees & thick lanky bones

& hold them tightly

& hold them so

and catch their bloods

& be a teen with them

but a teen with a man promise, but to be a man in this country

was nt that 

brokeback mountain promise 

at all

bash

I am mad because it isn't about me

the turns you take, aren ot to find me

and out of All of the whips to take, yours is the kind I like most

and 

and 

and I won t pretend, anything

and sometimes I say, I won t pretend anything

and sometimes, sometimes, I don t 

but, also! also! I won t promise

because promises, promises, promises! something I got to know earlier! hello, promise, hello my little sweet, like the icecream you want me to, oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh 

just take yer top off!

sorry, sorry, I got another call. hold on...

okay, hey sorrrry! o god, are youstill there? bushes

hmmm bushes,
o god irrelevant

but see, sometimes I stay at Gayle's, and I always throw the scraps of vegetables into her bushes

and this is my mother, of course

Gayle. & how I'd destroy her.

It isn't late enough, I've realized. so, apologies! once, I made someone fall in love with me through apologies! & through the promises, promises that we wouldn t. watch how we died back then? 

goodnight, & good for us. I won t try to promise,
I promise to not pretend anything
and I promise to promise to always fall in love with you when I will. & I don t mean iff

today is for the mouths conjoined

Today is the difference. Recrudescence. The beginning and the making new. Early yet, wet hair in lavender, leaving lavender sprigs behind the ear as a note. The warmth of a house, the windows shut up unlikely, unlike I, usually, tend to be, or to want.

It is enough, to want. I won't try a thing, and the omittances will remain things of doing, will remain the regular occurrences. The ways in which to do it, to make it. What I am making? a promise at myself, selfsame promise made of months. to read, to drink in the words, to eat & ingest the thoughts about them. And distractions weigh heavy, for to sit elsewhere than this bed on this morning is to say, too much is doing. I want not but to drink & eat & swallow & savor your words and notices, and to share and feed it in conjoined mouths.