going out

waiting is not moving. shaking limbs out isn't staying. I cleaned I cleaned I sprayed, I even cinnamoned the ants out of mine own evil, watch them shake & burn. isn't that just, why you gotta be so mean. the party neighbors are at it again. mine whine friends, my dad & his friends. they're good, they only really remember one or two stories from my babyhood. or else there aren't enough good memories. or else two just stories for them to shaken their drunk heads & their squint eyes at. When I'm their age, they warn, In 34 years I'll be thinking, Weren't those the best times. thanks for making me look down at the bodworld I've made all shameful.

oh it looks like something bad happened to you

summer just started, the days are getting shorter
I fell asleep by the river last night, by myself, on the lavender lisa frank leopardprint blanket
it was a storm all around
through my eyelids
lightning
and I counted the seconds between it & the thundercrashes
remembering the movie poltergeist
and the movie jurassic park
but I don't know about the science, there
it was maybe 95 degrees, all I talk about is the amount of degrees I know
I am a varying temperature
I am trying to let my hair grow around my face, around my body, root in the sand
I am always taking the beach home with me, too
it feels secret
it feels like stealing
all of the ancient piss to take
I was dreaming, a little when the phone rang my stomach
and I was with child
it came & it became naked & it dove into the cold dark water
and then it began to rain the fat
allover the trees we can identify like cottonwoods & maples
& those we can't
the fat drop drums
we had to go, we had to go
to the yard
to make a bed there
to brandnew naked babes, there

are you selfboring, you can identify
that
are you identified friendless by your boring
are you okay with all of that
where's your girlfriend?
you mean, beside you
Hi, girlfriend
get in me

it's waaaay tooo western sad here
the universe is flashing relationships at us
fisting at us
& saying, This is what you are, you know
This is what you will be should you be
& I am solemn faced in slight knows
  I'm out
  & about
I'm shaking off the splats,
shitting sand from my shorts
pulsing out your water
sweating out of all my numerous little holes
exfoliating to scratch me, myself
pushing the pullout
letting the bites scab burn dry wither welt pus
my style

a million bucks

thank you for the invitation

  I woke up with flowers in my eyes

  something happened when I was asleep.

  what happens when one is asleep?

all of my millions left me

I was knocked at the knees and 

all of the change

  is in gutters around.

    where are my shoes?

     where are my cadillac dreams?

        where's my word of today?

perfect

  mercurial

I was trying to flirt yesterday

  with this miniature bikejock

     he asked if the tunamelt was poisonous

I said, Hey guys, mercury is in retrograde right now

  so it's left the giant tunas of the world

  sucked back up into the atmosphere, right?

I mean, that's what that means

  I want to empty out thermometers in you

  I want your insides to burn sizzle out

    or is that mean?

I had a million bucks yesterday

  and I blew it, on a couple of things I wrote down

  on a drawing I made.

I felt the soft edge of some bend

I felt me pulling round it.

but dream memory

  and reality sad come by

    even in my silk vermilion blouse

       and the woolen plaid & everyday's tiedye

         I am still a solid wish 

                        a wonder

                         a so very solidly disappointed

I'll break my own record

  it's a tedious thing
  
   and what's left

                   but to wonder at         disappointment

there's nothing to be done with it

there's no effective

diss
diss
diss

as if you'd notice

It's early, it was sixteen minutes earlier when I wanted to write
I have been up since even more before that
I have smoke coming out my ears
I have nothing in my throat.
I am not a good friend
      to anybody
I go to bed before it's dark
& it won't be light for hours
I don't know how I feel about caffeine
and I'm halfasleep
with a project in mind
that could be dismissed as art-therapy for teens in distress
or it could be adulated
for its tenderness & honesty
and maybe it will be up on the walls
or sent on a plane to another country
between two mountain ranges
where I can burn it all up