remember how effulgent I was in August? but then the last weeks of it, I sucked back into myself and radiated nothing. sometimes I am too vague; I intend to work it out, work it out & workit back in again. I am in denver now, sitting here in perfect denver mansion, thinking denver thoughts after a first night of sleep, alone in a house different that I'd never before been to. sleeping on someone's denver bed, and I had an anxiety dream that seemed to last all through the 9 am alarm up until the 9:45 alarm. dream about stealing, shoplifting from an albertsons type, a broken claire's accessories necklace, using the guise of purchased saltines packets (3) and the dream wore on. we were able to fool them, though. it was my old boyfriend kelly, #1, and he would mirage into another old boyfriend (#32) and he sort of saved the day at my request. I was up then, and decidedly stinking, and I walked in the denver sun past all the other denver mansions, past the denver hipsters and the denver vintage & record & bookshops, and I snuck myself into hunk manor, and who was sleeping on the bed but shirtless, underweared hunks and their hunky labradors, and I went unnoticed (luckily for me, for they would have wailed and snorted at having their little hunky sleeps disturbed) and rode my bike to drink coffee outside. everyone was smoking cigarettes. the girl behind the counter stared long & hard & it seemed everyone was, like, what, you haven't seen something like me yet before? I have many ones-of-a-kind, but I am also very easily dismissed. I am working hard, working working working on being agreeable. whatever you want. it is difficult to deal with men sometimes, with hunks. I know what they want for me. to not argue, to understand, cleverness, feminine comfort, agreeable agreeable agreeable. you want to play pinball? sure, honey. how about seeing some professional sports, live? oh kay! anything you want. I am getting good, but at the risk of caring less & less. whatever I want, whatever I want, there is no more. until I am back in my own surroundings, with the things I throw around me. labor day, labors of love & I am in it. but the love is just some stupid shallow beach, with puny little waves licking disinterestedly. way to go, colorado

poem(s) for warmth

from crepuscular orations

Sunny and warm.
stopped in the red, warm trunk of a fallen douglas fir,
warmth of sun on faces,
I can feel with the warmth
the beautiful breeze & warmth of sun
and the sweet-smelling warm air.
It is warm but the breeze blows.
The warmth of his hand on my neck,
sensitively, lovingly, warmly, openly?
It's very warm, of course, even hot...
Laying with you is warm.
when he arrives he'll greet me semi-warmly
I can still close my eyes and find you warming down me.
an opportunity to embrace him when he's warm and effulgent.
I need reaction, warmth, a listening ear,
And the warm sun,
She is so warm and open when it is in her best interest;
my new canada goose coathood warm around my cashmere scarfed face...

from momentos preciosas

I am warm & my hands are dry, such as wintry hands go in warm rooms.
I retrieved my warm laundry
and I could tell I'd be warm.
His neck was warm and pungent of him.
And the tea is still warm,
my feet are pressed up against the warmth of a space heater.
it's warming a bit tomorrow
all smooth and warm and everpresently pressing.
warm, but distant.
we could agree on the state of warmth.