hey, romance

I love
sitting in a car and drinking
outside the new orleans food coop
84 degrees
77% humidity
windows down, listening to Active Child
I like Active Child because it might
be the super-genuine
it might also be
the sarcastic type of falsetto


I went to the bywater
with a two-babe entourage
in cloud shirt, mulberry skirt
& the other, in the dragonfly print dress my Auntie Sue gave me for christmas
I think she should wear it always


I, like the others like me,
like the bywater, what little I've seen
for it's sprawling bed-stuyness,
for
that we're foreign & safe & unsafe & belong & really don't
like, we can & do afford your neighborhood
so adopt it for our art studios
& our coops
in our glasses sliding off our humidface,
disinterested, jaded, working

I'm sitting in my subaru legacy outback
smoking black american spirits
drinking a la 31 boucanee smoked wheat ale from a sweating bottle
awaiting my sexy entourage
thinking about us
midsummer us
some energies
  are up
I'm trying to get them
I'm displaced & sidesmiling about that
I've cheers to make up
I'm a girl with a cause
I'm a fitting in I don't fit in here
I'm shopping around, taking advantage
of my natural
  luck
& my born-in guilt is all overme
all over one only subaru in town,
  we drove it here
this is a chant
this is a waving regular flag
these songs are our songs
how many times a day can I mention I've been to college? I've been to 3 colleges
where'
s my college?
it's serendipity, that I'll sing
song it through all of the
most obvious
  cloud
  & voice it all out of
my wet wet wet
upper
  lip

sunday

there's a neighbor to my left, coughing & smoking
at his low brick house.
does lethargy
set in earlier, here?
what's the type of overcast here
the bright light blanket
lavenders & cadet blues
trademarked
I don't know, there, I said it.
I'm overcast in sprays of grayed down, too.

what i am doing right now

I am standing in the alleyway between Bannock & Idaho
smoking a cigarette in that babytee
waiting for molly,
everyone's ahlways looking
its expensive
the new miley cyrus video looks sort of expensive
I will watch it probably one more time,
but nothing cares about it
no one is touching my leg
but at least you say, I say no to sex all the time
to hang out with you
who cares it's like 1 aclock
what we'll stay up all night like we're not
winsome haired
falling apart people

as I wrote this I was approached by a man with an unplaceable accent, very sweated, gray tank, heavyset
he said, Can I help you with something?
I said, No, I don't think so
he said, If your boyfriend gives you any trouble, I can give you comfort
Because when I saw you over there, you made my heart -
which he now gripped -
Sad
and his face distorted
I told him I was sorry
he said, Yeah
and he told me to be careful with myself

That made me start to cry
but I've been crying all day because I have a bad brain, so
I felt sorry though

that I give a stranger SAD HEART too

I can't
make your heart sad, foolonmollyguy
I can't
be in charge anymore
  of those
just me in my things
easyeasyway

teen stuff

I just burned your name.

I watched the deathgray spread, smoking out

the fire on your letters

tried to scald your promise.

I have said goodbye so many many times

& keep finding little reminders, or they find me, or they already know me, or I them

I can see them behind my closed eyelids

little burns on my eyeballs always.

but I burned your name

& I couldn't ever say your good name. let's someone else say it for you

because I'm a giveme, we know

and you've ataken

which makes it all a part of it all.

scrapes, now, ashes

those letters

just stuff

on the wind

forever, dead like forever.

period

period

period

hurt my feelings

okay so I've been talking to the universe, and

  I think

  I think

it's trying to tell me that Idaho is my beautiful home

  what, something about the countryside

    because I spend time there, in the sagebrush

and I love it when my hands are so dirty

  I look tan,

    cinnamon

and then my car stops working

  because I'm blogging in it while it's raining

   listening to the radio, it's all really good

    smoking 1,000 smokes

and how will we ever get out of here, now?

 that sort of thing.

But of course, I just needed to get jumped

Nickey & I found a secret clubhouse

  in the foothills, it overlooks all of Boise

  in a way that makes it seem

  like it really is a city for trees

one can't see the buildings

it looks like it did when those frenchcanadian people showed up in their beaverskin caps.

why am I so angry

why am I surprised

when people don't like me,

don't want to be my friend.

I want to say a lot of very cruel, inconsequential things

  I want to hurt someone's feelings

   more than mine could ever be

because that's what big men do 

they break one another down

I guess, so I hear

I'm not a pick-on-you

 I'm not a hurter 

  I'm not even a hurtee

like I was, once.

I am thick, I know

 but I still have these knives in me

  and I know they can be good for the stabbing

but I am out of the habit-of-cruel

 and it doesn't come naturally

so I should probably just go to the clubhouse, now

  and be sweet & good

   and forget that love-sadness-regret-anger-hatred cycle

    that I've been riding.

This is a Diary entry

  for no one at all

I just don't know how to write a diary, anymore

  like I don't know how to walk or run

   I just know how to memorize

    and to look hard

     and to feel hard

      

     and I'm forgetting how

to wish

  which is the only good thing I've learned to forget

butterbody

I'm sitting in my opaljade colored subaru legacy outback
smoking a cigarette
it's pouring rain out
cheesecake on the countertop,
nobake
I'm a dying thirst
I drove to the gasstation & couldn't barely tell
the man abt the smokes I wanted
I sat in the car,
smoking
I read aloud
I did that thing where I tell myself not to move my lips when I read
I said this loudly
& I moved my lips so fully
I have such a humor
my dad took me out to this bougie restaurant
: An Italian Joint
  and I told them about my weekend
                            about what I'm sortof trying for
& the gross waitress hovered
taking away plates & utensils
in the corporate fashion
I reaaallly don't care about this place
but I ate  puffy smoked salmon stuffed
I mean, why lie? it was fucking delicious
but you won't be seeing me there again
   unless I'm dead
  like if someone really felt the urge to bother
with a corpse or a murder
for an overpriced fuck-me-I'm-pastad party
oooh happy birthday! the waitress fake-squealed
and she asked if I wanted some birthday girl dessert
  and come on, you think this fyne 33 yr old bod keeps its way through dessert? get real
I do thank you, & sincerely.
  they gave me a beautiful backpack
      so I'm trying not to be so awfully mean

what I'm doing

smoking them all. He smoked me

we wrote this poem together, it crept down to the corner of the table

& my script, my script I couldn't see with one eye

but it's legible

So I have this porch, this balcony

the Smoker's Balcony

My Balcony

Sparkle Porch

and I have bsu sweatpants

and a navy wool coat

and the baby blanket 

and brown leather moccasins

(beaded, of course)

and this forever collie

and a cocktail

(in a cool GLASS)

& I'm saying goodbye

to a thing that isn't a secret thing

but the goodbye has to be secret. If I go on giving it up, what will I have to tell them I've proved?

       (and by them) I really mean me & all of the mes in me

goodnight see you tomorrow

must b i been smokin 2 long

it's all going to be alright
you know
(you know, come on you know)
oh no.... the whitest singing the blakkest
is this a problem, no no no no
I'm raceless, racest
rapeless
What how can you just throw this word around? I think I have learned to text away too proud.

I'm sorry
no no truly
I am sorry,
I never should have pointed you here, to me at me with me. I wish I could be smoking
oh shit
is it happening
is it here
is it true
is it real


so are you?

I get you, boi

(from 12 february 2013, but thought it out too much)

Don't break me down I been travlin too long

I have nothing but they have cardigan envy. You ever smoking and you think you'll cough it all up, all your innards and all your everythings?

Sometimes I get smart, and I say no. Sometimes I quit just when I start. Sometimes, I haven't a choice! You are all very different.
One of the loneliest things you can ever do is to imagine what someone thinks about you

you we I they us them me

list of things I wanted this year so far

I would give him real hair should I have the choice, but I haven’t, and I’m learning to be more accepting.
I want to quit smoking and I want to run, and to dance. For my whole body to be sore for days and I'll feel like a billionaire.
 Stop drinking the tea.  
Pay all outstanding tickets.  

Eat Food.

Go to all the things.

I’ve got to write, right now isn’t so necessary. Keep a clean room, and rid of the mold in my house. And get some time to be alone, alone alone.
I still have many things to do. But I know one thing. I do not think that… No… I erase that.  
 Find new place to live.  
I will move away.
I can see myself alone. I can see myself having sex. I can  see also not doing that.  
I want relentless passion, empathy, intuition, curiosity, creativity, understanding. Good lovely bloodflow.  
 I need my place, I need to have a home. My own home indeed. With my girlie, a consistent environment.  
And to be independent, I want to go off & do these things because I’ll be 28 this year and it’s time to grow up, to grow a pair.  
Make Boise work because you are here, and no matter the glory of it, New York City is very, very far away, and Ida is the best thing in the world and will she appreciate a New York City, I can’t see it.  
Make the art, work the places, show the things & talk to the people, and see what’s important & do it, and remain alone if you must, if you must. I want to.  
 I have to talk to him about it.  
 I will concentrate on maintaining my health & being strong for me, and making everything I want to be, be. I will be gone during days, and if to write or research or read, then so I will, here and away.  
The honesty I want so badly is only for one.  

o god, o no

things we talk about 

sex, quesadillas, nostalgia, shirts, buttons, sweat, hair, sandwiches, swimming, drinking, dogs, smoking, love, breakingup, drugz, shoulders, legs, popmusic, lust, depression, beards, loneliness, julia roberts, sleeping, comfort, salad, tuna melts, football, stars, family, shoes, feet, eyes, bazooka joes

when i am 28