regretless

I fell in love with a lithuanian name
he was my best friend, he shared his xanax with me from time to time
I would have anxiety attacks in those days
we would dress up
in ponchos
and feathers
and we would play pool and ride bikes and drink mountains of old style and sing karaoke everyday
and we'd have sex in soapless showers
he would sing, wouldn't it be nice? by the beach boys
but he had a longdistance love
and we both knew our time was short

on his last day in town
I discovered bloody marys
they were $1 at the bridgeport sports bar.
we stayed there for hours, playing pool, drinking thousands of bloody marys
the bartender stopped charging us for them.
there was a thunderstorm that night
and I knew I was going to cry
so I took off my shoes and climbed into a tree outside the bar.
I sat up there for awhile, screaming with the wind
& it was so loud I couldn't hear my voice.
I couldn't wind my thoughts & goodbyes.
I watched the lightning all around me.
I waited until I was finished howling
before I came down
my knees were bloody from scraping up the bark.
I went into the bar and borrowed a pair of scissors.
I cut the button I'd had dangling from a string around my neck
and I gave it to him.
he knew I was going to give it to the next person I fell in love with.
he told me that he loved me, too.
I cried all night while we laid in bed together,
he took off this grubby tiedyed shirt that I'd given him
so I could blow my nose on it.
I found it a couple of days later, smashed between the bed and the wall

I saw him again, 5 years later

his band came to town

it was my 28th birthday.
we sat in someone's convertible in the parkinglot outside the bar
and we talked about how we loved each other
and how we were
and how we were.
I wonder if I'll ever see him again

dear diary,

This is what the diary is for! For diarrhea! Diarrheaing. Fuck it, I will be alone or surround myself with others I might find, and eventually I’ll get the hell out of this two-bit town. 'Let’s get the hell out of here.' It isn’t all that bad, Molly. So what if you haven’t, like, any accomplishments? Ooh, your only achievement thus far is your greediness to fall in love. And you think you’re really good at it, and so honest who couldn’t love you back. But! I think we all know what’s really going on here. It’s true that people don’t want that much truth. If I’m operating at 100% honesty (which is, of course, an exaggeration/lie, it’s actually at about 97%, ( or 88%, to be honest)), a lot of potentials just won’t “hang.” And who can be blamed. Everyone’s been deceived, remembers how easy it can be. We’ve never recovered.

But! when did this turn into my problem? Oh it has been, clearly, for about as long since I began beginning every sentence with, I never lie and that earnest, earnest expression.

Cut it off when anxiety is foremost.

Sentimental fuck!

things we talk about

leaves, disease, sex, scarves, goodbyes, anxiety, hangovers, houses, furniture, cars, moving, music, crashes, the cold