hysteriaparty

haha

I am laughing, it rarely sounds like that, but I am full of it

 my dad used to say I was full of it a lot

 it took me awhile to realize being full of it is being full of shit

I was young, shit as shit didn't cross my mind

I left work yesterday and took nathan with me, and he met her

and she had that shellshocked look, like who's this man in my house!

and I don't care... but I should

  I should care, really I should

I locked us out of the house, I had to call Nickey to ask her to rescue us

we sat in the car

  Nathan drank the end of a bottle of flat rosé

  and I drank an apricot cider from a jar

and we smoked, and we listened to the lana del rey pandora station

  and I read him a bad poem, but I didn't write it

  we laughed

  he buttoned up his pale blue collared shirt to the top 

and he put on one of the bolo ties that hangs from my rearview mirror, 

  the one someone in my family got as an easter present in the '60s

  with the aqua leather and the silver horse running.

she rescued us

  we bought more beer

  we took our beachchairs

and I got into the river.

the others came & I had the other others on my mind

  and I was tired of looking at everything

  like my hair, my body

Nathan said If it's inside me, if it's invisible, it doesn't exist

and I said, What lungs? and the crowd echoed, laughing  

                 Liver, who?

I was tired of looking around until the wind picked up

  a fuzz layer took our sun away

   Where's my son?

then the cotton was floating around from the branches,

  it looked like snow

I looked downriver, the wind blowing all the trees, the white fluffs

and I thought this looks like the strangest storm

  here, with my damp swimmingdress on

  and the warm

  and the vague light of the sun,

but this could be a winter's storm

and this could be snow.

what if it was snowing right now?

the wind picked up around us, blowing us over

I went to the car to get sweaters

I got naked in the car for a minute

I walked on the sharp rocks

I told myself to stop looking for it

to stop searching it out

to do what it takes to unlatch

  and when I'm drunk, it's so easy to clear everything but these sorts of words

   with an understanding chuckle, here & there

but I woke up sober, so here I am again

teeth in, ready to anxiety-attack myself

  but what doesn't go away

  is the knowledge that you don't inspire me, you any

                                     & I don't admire anything about you, at all

  and of course, this makes me feel more the fool

as I continue

something so gross,

  so uninspe-rable

  so unadmire-able

but I'm going to go cut my hair now,

  the ugly ombre that everyone brings up

   because I've got to save that money

   because we've something like 44 days

until I break

   physically

from my gooey cords 

  giving me sicklife

  from your gross shells. I wish this was only but finally about one person

a one You

  so I could have an explosion party, so I could blow you up

but You are Many too Many and my brain splashes

 in an overdone explosion party

   where I'm the only once celebrated, and I'm the only one lauded 

and I didn't even get invited because I 

just

live there

20 days a wash

I heard that nicotine stays in your vagina mucous for 5 years

(but I won't be googling that)

so I'll be 20 days from 34 years old, nicotine sliding away inside

a little younger than my mother when I came out of her

she's never smoked in her life

I know when & where I was conceived, 

it was in my parents' bedroom 

(they didn't get that waterbed until the nineties)

1011 east state street, boise idaho

a gothic style victorian style mansion style house built in 1904

it was painted a color called Bog Oak

a very muddy almost-black darkgreen

with a Chinese Red door

chinese lanterns

ivy chimney

it was a hot night

august 20, 1983, after the western idaho fair

riding the big wheel

checking out the livestock

prize bulls

sad-eyed soft noggind cows

and I wonder if my parents ate pronto pups

or did they even have pronto pups in the eighties?

When pronto pups came on the scene in the eighties.

When my dad won a stuffed animal at the shooting range in the eighties.

When my parents drank lagers at the fair and came home and fucked in the eighties.

When my parents met, it was the seventies

they were married five years before I was born, they were married in this church

which clearly was once

a greek orthodox church

but now it is a methodist church. I always wondered why they did that, my parents, 

not a church switching denominations,

because they weren't holy people

My mom wore a little diamondy seventies star pendant

and her mother Velma's dress from the forties

and she looked lovely in all the pics.

I was baptized, too

for my grandparents, I think they wanted me in heaven eventually

so, thanks

what I'm doing

smoking them all. He smoked me

we wrote this poem together, it crept down to the corner of the table

& my script, my script I couldn't see with one eye

but it's legible

So I have this porch, this balcony

the Smoker's Balcony

My Balcony

Sparkle Porch

and I have bsu sweatpants

and a navy wool coat

and the baby blanket 

and brown leather moccasins

(beaded, of course)

and this forever collie

and a cocktail

(in a cool GLASS)

& I'm saying goodbye

to a thing that isn't a secret thing

but the goodbye has to be secret. If I go on giving it up, what will I have to tell them I've proved?

       (and by them) I really mean me & all of the mes in me

goodnight see you tomorrow

what I did

I smoked them all. I castrated them

When I lived with joey he told me about the time he went to a montana ranch

and he was superexcited, because on this ranch 

of course

there would be cowboys, so many

beautiful, beautiful cowboys

in denims

with lassos

& hats

& dust boots

& pockets clinging

and I totally got what he meant

But instead he was with beerbellied rednecks

with the straw in their teeth like it says

& the minimal views on the great wide sky.

The only projectors out there, have you even seen Big Sky Country?

And he had to wrangle the calves, the wriggly knees & thick lanky bones

& hold them tightly

& hold them so

and catch their bloods

& be a teen with them

but a teen with a man promise, but to be a man in this country

was nt that 

brokeback mountain promise 

at all