half a man

      if I only had one arm to hold you
      I would hold you at arm's length
I did cry a lot yesterday, this morning
I was a baby, it was probably 100 degrees when I woke up in your bed this morning
I was a baby when I left the bar
because I couldn't find kyle anymore
but he found molly
just not, me, molly
just the right molly
and I was angry that he left me there, the ravers allover the place
I was in the alley and I was walking and a guy chased me down
and said, Can I walk with you
but I was already done walking
so he said, Can I sit with you
and I said, No
and I was thinking, in what world does this make sense?
when does a girl ever chase a guy down an alley to ask if she can walk with him?
I mean, what?
some other guys sat down, and I let them talk to me because they had whiskey
so I drank a lot of that
and I wasn't so mad
but then I had to leave, and I was drunk
and I was sobbing, I had to take my glasses off because I couldn't see
and I was yelling a lot at myself
I was pretty mean to myself
and I was mean to kyle
and I was mean to the others
so I went to the other bar to see what I could see
and I got a cocktail & put it into my jar
and I called one
and he said he would meet me at the river
but then I got caught by some conversation
and I was laughing, not crying anymore
and the basque man followed me
and I gave him my number
so he could text me the most offensive things he could think of
because neither of us gets offended
and then I did chase someone down
we were walking the same way
we talked about making espresso
and about art school
and then I went to the river, and found that one walking toward me
he'd been waiting for half an hour for me, I felt badly about that
we went to his house
we went in there
and we were in, for hours
and I was glad
I had stopped crying
until this morning, when he got out of bed
because he is passionless & silent
and I was wondering where all the feelers are
where are the ones like me?
I left, he didn't know I'd been crying
he doesn't know about my bad brain
he doesn't know anything
he doesn't know that I write about him sometimes
and that I am more than I let on
but I'm glad I got some human touch
some human struggle
some interactive strangers
some surprise journeying between tears
and it's hot
so I'm going swimming
and I think the tears
are done for the day
WHEEEEWWWW
thank my brain is starting
 to grow back a little

what i am doing right now

I am standing in the alleyway between Bannock & Idaho
smoking a cigarette in that babytee
waiting for molly,
everyone's ahlways looking
its expensive
the new miley cyrus video looks sort of expensive
I will watch it probably one more time,
but nothing cares about it
no one is touching my leg
but at least you say, I say no to sex all the time
to hang out with you
who cares it's like 1 aclock
what we'll stay up all night like we're not
winsome haired
falling apart people

as I wrote this I was approached by a man with an unplaceable accent, very sweated, gray tank, heavyset
he said, Can I help you with something?
I said, No, I don't think so
he said, If your boyfriend gives you any trouble, I can give you comfort
Because when I saw you over there, you made my heart -
which he now gripped -
Sad
and his face distorted
I told him I was sorry
he said, Yeah
and he told me to be careful with myself

That made me start to cry
but I've been crying all day because I have a bad brain, so
I felt sorry though

that I give a stranger SAD HEART too

I can't
make your heart sad, foolonmollyguy
I can't
be in charge anymore
  of those
just me in my things
easyeasyway