haha
I am laughing, it rarely sounds like that, but I am full of it
my dad used to say I was full of it a lot
it took me awhile to realize being full of it is being full of shit
I was young, shit as shit didn't cross my mind
I left work yesterday and took nathan with me, and he met her
and she had that shellshocked look, like who's this man in my house!
and I don't care... but I should
I should care, really I should
I locked us out of the house, I had to call Nickey to ask her to rescue us
we sat in the car
Nathan drank the end of a bottle of flat rosé
and I drank an apricot cider from a jar
and we smoked, and we listened to the lana del rey pandora station
and I read him a bad poem, but I didn't write it
we laughed
he buttoned up his pale blue collared shirt to the top
and he put on one of the bolo ties that hangs from my rearview mirror,
the one someone in my family got as an easter present in the '60s
with the aqua leather and the silver horse running.
she rescued us
we bought more beer
we took our beachchairs
and I got into the river.
the others came & I had the other others on my mind
and I was tired of looking at everything
like my hair, my body
Nathan said If it's inside me, if it's invisible, it doesn't exist
and I said, What lungs? and the crowd echoed, laughing
Liver, who?
I was tired of looking around until the wind picked up
a fuzz layer took our sun away
Where's my son?
then the cotton was floating around from the branches,
it looked like snow
I looked downriver, the wind blowing all the trees, the white fluffs
and I thought this looks like the strangest storm
here, with my damp swimmingdress on
and the warm
and the vague light of the sun,
but this could be a winter's storm
and this could be snow.
what if it was snowing right now?
the wind picked up around us, blowing us over
I went to the car to get sweaters
I got naked in the car for a minute
I walked on the sharp rocks
I told myself to stop looking for it
to stop searching it out
to do what it takes to unlatch
and when I'm drunk, it's so easy to clear everything but these sorts of words
with an understanding chuckle, here & there
but I woke up sober, so here I am again
teeth in, ready to anxiety-attack myself
but what doesn't go away
is the knowledge that you don't inspire me, you any
& I don't admire anything about you, at all
and of course, this makes me feel more the fool
as I continue
something so gross,
so uninspe-rable
so unadmire-able
but I'm going to go cut my hair now,
the ugly ombre that everyone brings up
because I've got to save that money
because we've something like 44 days
until I break
physically
from my gooey cords
giving me sicklife
from your gross shells. I wish this was only but finally about one person
a one You
so I could have an explosion party, so I could blow you up
but You are Many too Many and my brain splashes
in an overdone explosion party
where I'm the only once celebrated, and I'm the only one lauded
and I didn't even get invited because I
just
live there
