a year ago today

we weren't yet listening to born to die by lana del rey, but I am now, and we did soonafter. it was right before christmas, days before and I was making screenprints in my room and it was 17 degrees outside in december. I remember walking from Gayulz Club down state st. to the hardware store where I purchased painters rags and who knows. I was almost crying, but it was sunny. this song really makes me remember that feeling. I had just been abandoned, the heart was sagging in my chest with loss. I remember that so much. but one year ago today (it's thanksgiving today, but a year ago it wasn't, but say last thanksgiving is a year ago today) I was too hungover, I think I threw up. I think andy left Gayulz Club to go to thanksgiving dinner with sun blood stories and I was left huddled on the couch. nickey made me scrambled eggs in coconut oil which is all I wanted, but I didn't tell her that the brown part of the eggs made me feel sick. I hugged andy around his waist and I urged him to come back soon. I wanted him to just hold onto me forever, thanks. 

we had gone last night one year ago today to brittany's SAD party, which was pretty fun, andy & I played piano and I danced with brett and nickey & brett & andy & I all walked home to Gayulz Club in the 17 degrees and we separated and remet at home upstairs. then it was the next day and I was too drunk for thanksgiving and honestly, I feel just about the same right now as I felt one year ago today. well?

I'm not in love with you

I am not in love with those who don't love patterns
with those who don't love onions
with those who don't smile
with those who call themselves boring
with those who don't want to come
with those who litter
with those who don't think I'm sort of beautiful
with those who won't constant clutch at my bod
with liars
with those who don't cry
with those who don't ask all of the questions
with those who write as badly as I
with those who drink from to-go cups
with those who don't love my dog
with those who don't love language
with those who don't get drunk on words
with those who drink too much, too often
with those who say, I don't care
with those who mutter, I don't know
with those who deoderize
with those who make excuses
with those who hide
with those who deny
with those who don't give it
with those untouchables
with those who don't hurt honest
with those who won't ride with me
with those who don't sleep outside
with those who watch me & aren't okay with it all
with those who
  just can't hang

waterbed

I don't know whether I can do this, stay the rest of the night outside

but there's the cerulean edge light

over the silhouettehouses

and the earlymorning carsounds, bc it's worktime

I woke up to the sprinklers on me

soaking halfbed

thanks for helping me move furniture so late/early

but I'm determined to get beneath blankets I'm dreaming of these blankets, too

sticky feet

tuck me in, unfold around me

I'm dreaming of how badly the blankets smell

how gross they all are

and I'm wondering at a full sleep

and I'm wondering at going to the dr today

and I'm wondering at will you really hold my hand while I get this done?

and I'm wondering at will you promise to keep up how we talk to one another

  even with drs and nurses and strangers in the room?

GET IT

GET IT as you hold the mirror by my thigh

I have a million beans growing inside of me

it's the best

I am a gaseous system, I'm pretty out there

I can feel all the beans dance

have a funparty in my bod

I've always had a partybod to share with all of the worlds, you know

hey, do you know me? in a wet bed, with a dog, sleeping in silk in flannel, outside

  sometimes

sleeping is fun

 I miss it when I don't have it

  but I am no longer good 

   too good for sleep

    to party for sleep

     to wet for sleep

      too date for sleep

so many questions I know how to ask anymore

I am talking to myself today? 

what day is it

how many days is it

is it 77 degrees outside

why did I ruin this skirt for me

will it make an appropriate mini for you?

why can't I cut straight

why is there glue everywhere

why is the paper everywhere

why am I not a perfectionist

why do I say I am a perfectionist

why do I want to throw away everything 

why do I want to throw away everything when it's perfect

when did you say, "men are perfectly     Okay"

when is it

when is the last time 

when was the last time?

do you remember the other thing you said to me?

why do I want to tell you so badly what you said

why don't you remember so I don't have to tell you

why do I want to tell you

when can I tell you?

can I tell you something?

who made that decision

who is spontaneous

who is uncertain

when do we take turns, why do we take turns

why is it so easy, now

will you write back to me

will you tell me soon?

why don't you ask me questions

where will I put all of these things

what do you think of craters of the moon nat'l park

what do you think of idaho

why would you go to idaho

why am I in idaho

what's my excuse

will you cry tonight? you said we would all cry tonight if we're honest, will we all be honest?

why is my brain such a pretty brain

why is my brain such a pretty brain, is it

what do you think

what can I show you

when can I show you

what if

when was the first time

when will be the first time

will it be the first time

little rift in shortest summer

Can't I not help it, but the weather somehow took a dip in me. Like the last one left, I'm here in the hollow sounds & shapes. But with all sounds of the dogs who live here, too, and they don't want to be alone. They chase ghosts and feel sad about things, but I don't know it. And I don't think it's true. They hear rain in their bones hours before the first drops. I feel it in the texture of the air, and in the speed of my brain at work. I like all the colors of it, and how it makes a sort of round terrarium out of my house. with just two dogs & me in here. All the lush of the plants outside & drinking, and the cat too out there all wet maybe hiding greeneyed glaring from beneath the neighbor's parked car. In the real wet all there. I can't tell, but the rain just glanced off my skin, even as I moved in slowmotion. All the cars silenced by it. Every rush at pause.

charmed, & sure

outside my window just the day before yesterday there was the most beautiful sky & the breeze mostlike fall I've felt across me in months. On the stoop at the restaurant J asked, did you see yesterday? and we laughed, because sometimes really one can miss a day like that.

and yesterday, then, I thought to have a breakfast alone, a bikerides away with a sweet mixdisc arrived from the post. I rode slowly in my favorite pale dress. The one with the flowers use to vomit, but now they celebrate aged & quiet like antiques. Everything charms me to death, nearly.

I can't like should care am listening can't

I can't remember why I hated you. I don't like bike gangs. I cannot be affiliated with one, though I like the idea of them very much.

It's cooler to meet someone outside a party than in it.

I should be looking to the girls... Skip a cock though I maybe have never learned to skip rocks on a pond.

I don't care; I maybe drunk stoned and tired. Or one or some of the above.

I am sure that moon memorabilia is for a purpose that I like so much. It is.....okay, just the moon & me......

I am listening to this song: "I leave the party at three am alone thank god"

true - Budweiser

And, this song I can't stand the rain by tina turner always comes on. Never wrong

full moon, emptry heart

I can't find it but I know it's there. I saw a full lunar ellipses last night, a red tinted moon far far away, a tiny little moon way up high. I stopped running around, scullery maiding for a minute or two and went outside tshirted to view it. We all stood in silence and appreciation and respect.

Tonight I will reminisce gladly. Another month to celebrate. When I find that old bitch in the black sky.