wussy

I left the party after I flushed that goodfood down my throats
I couldn't find my keys, they were obscured by the watermelon half on the countertop
it was getting dark, they were shooting off the works
the hills probably caught fire somewhere

when I was a kid we'd go to my grandparents' house for the 4th of july
my dad and his friends would get all of the illegal fireworks from ontario
ontario: no law
and we'd sit on blankets
while they got drunk
and lit up the hillside
the trucks would come
and spray the sage and the grasses
and shake their heads at my dad & his friends
whose heads would hang in semi-shame
but we'd all been having a good time, so
it was always alright with everyone

I left the party to go find kyle & matty
I drove up 8th street all the way until the road was a parkinglot
some dj booth was playing rave jams
and my friends were calling out Molly? Molly? Where's Molly
and everyone said, Yo, you looking for Molly?
kyle threw up along the hillside, fell down
matty & I were laughing at him
and matty fell down on him & I think they were wrestling
then they went home with some girls.
I shouldn't have been driving
I reversed too hard & slammed the car into the hillside
on kyle's vomit
and I drove with an eye on the winding road
because I'd been promised a date
with condoms & beer
so I had to get there

I came home but my date never showed
and I read things I shouldn't read, and I laid down in front of kari's club
and I was crying, and yelling quietly about it
voicemails
I told my date not to do that anymore
and he said, I really like you
Do you still like me?

we had breakfast
we talked about opening up
about closing up
about things ending for us, individually
but we're just a Date
so we never have to worry about
Us
at all

I'm no wussy
I'm willing to tear it down
as long as it's straight at me
and honest
why should I be crying about some girl
letting some girl tear me down?

I'm alright. I've got a sunburn, finally
and I have someone to kiss on a beach
a good listener, a slow responder
but a responder, nonetheless.
so I'm doing fine
I'm doing a lot better
than some, out there
because I am fucking righteous
and I'm brave
and I'm beautiful
& young
& dope & proud
and that's not just my '90s american flag tank & neon bikini talking
the freeflowing justicefull flag of my stoic disposition
and my unforgiving neurosis
flying me futurforward
and foreverwards
till death do me apart

Perfect celebratory makes perfect shudder

song of yesteryear:

2008, 3 september

Perfect makes perfect,
timeless, countless, many of everythings
perfect to allow a count existent. Everything and more
a journal a diary, so shameless am I,
still I refuse to tell
and I won’t utter
it in so many
greedy grabbing words. I aspire to be
sludgeless to calm and to
whine not, to embrace, propose and accept, so
fully, so
fully, such an envelopment, mouthsfull, bodies
full,
over & over. just sharing an omelet,
endearing,
absurd. and definitely enmeshed.
Hope, no, hope is for clouds, The
sweet of his spray.
slowly pounding
nauseous but
strong, eyes
full of happiness & not heavy but
light &
full of
soft &
light,
bright and in the sky like a cloud then.
hope real and not to be wished.
suddenly a fact
then. and the future! from afar,
so delicious the thoughts in our brains,
excessiveness deems bring me back,
earthbound, to wander handholding towards
silhouetted saguaros. No one but the stars; I’ll let
only the ocean caress me and by the time the ocean is too
cold my heart,
drowsily.
Latenight eyes all
full of
light kissing like the
slowmotion, I shudder
celebratory.