a year ago today

we weren't yet listening to born to die by lana del rey, but I am now, and we did soonafter. it was right before christmas, days before and I was making screenprints in my room and it was 17 degrees outside in december. I remember walking from Gayulz Club down state st. to the hardware store where I purchased painters rags and who knows. I was almost crying, but it was sunny. this song really makes me remember that feeling. I had just been abandoned, the heart was sagging in my chest with loss. I remember that so much. but one year ago today (it's thanksgiving today, but a year ago it wasn't, but say last thanksgiving is a year ago today) I was too hungover, I think I threw up. I think andy left Gayulz Club to go to thanksgiving dinner with sun blood stories and I was left huddled on the couch. nickey made me scrambled eggs in coconut oil which is all I wanted, but I didn't tell her that the brown part of the eggs made me feel sick. I hugged andy around his waist and I urged him to come back soon. I wanted him to just hold onto me forever, thanks. 

we had gone last night one year ago today to brittany's SAD party, which was pretty fun, andy & I played piano and I danced with brett and nickey & brett & andy & I all walked home to Gayulz Club in the 17 degrees and we separated and remet at home upstairs. then it was the next day and I was too drunk for thanksgiving and honestly, I feel just about the same right now as I felt one year ago today. well?

I'm not in love with you

I am not in love with those who don't love patterns
with those who don't love onions
with those who don't smile
with those who call themselves boring
with those who don't want to come
with those who litter
with those who don't think I'm sort of beautiful
with those who won't constant clutch at my bod
with liars
with those who don't cry
with those who don't ask all of the questions
with those who write as badly as I
with those who drink from to-go cups
with those who don't love my dog
with those who don't love language
with those who don't get drunk on words
with those who drink too much, too often
with those who say, I don't care
with those who mutter, I don't know
with those who deoderize
with those who make excuses
with those who hide
with those who deny
with those who don't give it
with those untouchables
with those who don't hurt honest
with those who won't ride with me
with those who don't sleep outside
with those who watch me & aren't okay with it all
with those who
  just can't hang

this is our vacation, now

so we're headed to raunchfest
in matty's whip
kyle is riding in the scub seat
girls in the back
kari gave me a bottle of makers for my birhday
and I've that good watermelon beer, like duh
  I stole these $50 shades from that designer rich 30yrold woman store
  when I was drunk on my birthday
it's cool that people can afford
kyle made activity lists for us in preparation for raunchfest
my instructions:
  1. brood
  2. mill about with cocktail
  3. where's my cocktail?
  4. rubber hose
I think we can do it

  because I'm happier than in weeks & weeks
  being 29 is gonna rock the earth off its orbit
 

jerk

so I think the universe
  is trying to get something out
I think the universe
  is becoming an excuse
this is why a bar's a bar
  bc it gives me every drunk reason
    to blame
     the universe
poor innocent little universe! how small & helpless,
  what powers have you?
I'm a jerk
a terrible friend
a bad kid
kick me to the curb.
  I'm apparently waaaay too date to care
  too date to drive
  too date to be attentionful
someone else.
someone, somewhere else
  tall
  tall
  ugly
open the window
get me a glass of water
open up the compliments
get me those compliments
  you're just so well spoken & eloquent
    I like your face
      I like your smart
         I like your have-a-heart-that-feels
  I like your body.   give it here
  will you marry me? let's just kiss-away each other
  under the waxmoon
  by the river.
I used to love to watch the trees sway from my window
I don't really do that, anymore
  let's clear the room.
  tell me what you're trying for.
  tell me how instinct this is
  tell me how incest this has become.
someone else
someone
  else, tell me more
    blame me
      I'm a guilt
  tell me I'm cold
bc I'm a stonegirl
without all of the arms to hold your bones from shivering
  get impressed & sleep silent pretty
    and shock, then
           shock at my
    jerk

selfish

I got someone's digits!

ya, when was the last time that happened

he was at my garagesale

he came early 

with another longhair don't care hippie 

I can't remember what he bought, 

but he came back for some speakers I'd already sold

He'd put his hair in a low ponytail by that time

and I was in rollerskates by that time

and I was sort of drunk by that time

so I complimented him on his turquoise rings

giant rings on every finger

each was so solid & big & pretty and all so different from one another.

Was that a mistake!

he took the opportunity to tell me about each one

longwinded stories

but I learned that turquoise has sex

I mean, it's sexed

I mean, it's sexy

but apparently, green turquoise is female and blue is male

so I learned something

which is always a fine, fine thing to do. 

He had hair down to where his brastrap would be

which is what we all pine-for

long, wavy, salt & pepper hair

and a tiny round butt on his chin

I'm Italian, he said, So I know how to do just about anything

I grew up in NY in the '70s, it was pretty out there

I'm a non-believer - he paused - I don't believe in anything, I'm a nihalist

I don't believe in age-barriers

or gaps

So we should party

but before he said this, he asked if he could pay $.25 for a bunch of index cards

I told him he could take them

so he wrote down his name

and as he did he said, I also have Penmanship

and I said, Well you certainly do

he wrote his number down

and his email address. He hasn't gotten "into" tweeting

So... Let's Party Sometime

and I said, ya

But, I don't know

I don't believe in age-barriers

or gaps

but the second he said,    I'm a nonbeliever

I thought, screamed inside

Well I Believe in EVERYTHING

but what I'd mostly be believing

is that this dad's-age-hippie

wants to smoke doobies

wants to rock out

wants to fuck

wants to give me some stories

wants to give me some turquoise jewelry

made in Albuquerque in the '70s

and I'm down with like 2 of these things

but I am not Pure

and I am not looking to be

       new friends

       because I am eternal selfish