eventually

yeah, I was sick & then I was filled with the life virus & then I made these promises that things were clean & upswept, but unfortunately I was cursed with a perfect memory, of faces, beard-scents, shoulder warmths, eyecolors. so I suffer, and it is tiresome, almost puts me in a coma in a blanket coma, and I try by reaching for all over directions. I want the hands of others around, and a different sort of conversation sometime. I think I will get out of here

dear goodbye

I had a bunch of fevers this week, and I woke up all the time in a pool of sweat, and so there I was tearing off sweats & sweatshirts and cursing, and going to the bathroom and feeling my hairline dripping down me and my neck in all its wettest glory. And I had to move to the other side of the bed so's not to sleep in my pool, on your side is how I called it. but then I woke up today, and I washed what I'd referred to as your pillowcase, and I changed the sheets so the color wasn't even the same, and I moved the lamp to the opposite side, and I vacuumed up your hairs, and the edges of a condom wrapper (how the vacuum shouted then!) and I cursed more, and then I screamed at a tiny yellow spider, for even though I don't fear them they still make me startle in girlish outbursts always. all of the bits of sentences, though, I save for you for "one day" inside a pink envelope. because though I sucked all remnants of you up in that stupid plastic machine, still you remain or at least I can't have you not a little, for now. for now

it sucks

because I want to share my pussy with the world

fruitlsss

such an incapable little beast! 

I just spend the day sitting here wondering, what are you doing in the midwest?

and you, what are you doing right now over there, thousands of miles away?

I just spend the day sitting here wondering, when you think of me, do you ever think about what it was like when we loved each other

or maybe you don't, I guess. I guess we all know I do

but, I won't even ever see you again ever

and I won't even meet you ever, you know

so quit pulling out your hair & get up & go

things we know about me

I am over 28 years old

I listen to a lot, way too much lana del rey

I never ever take off this synthetic olive cardigan that andy gave to me after we broke up for the third but not last time, thanks to sentiment & the smell it's developed & the fact that it looks incredible with all of my clothes

I got jeans, I wore them for three days

I got my period as soon as I put on the jeans, so I didn't feel like I could really return them

I learned to crochet & I like to make these "statement necklaces"

I love the snow, I think it's immaculate

I haven't left my house save once where I tried to be out there for over two weeks

I have had this french braid in my hair for over a day

I wish I had winter boots

I want the strength to go to the clubs, but I'm scared of what I'll do once I get there

I won't kiss anyone until march or april, I think

I won't fall in love in Idaho

I am getting lazy again at work, but I can't find a new job because I won't

I have a chipped tooth, and it worries me because it means I am falling apart

I have been good since I told myself to not talk, I haven't really

I don't expect anything of anyone, anymore

late last night & this morning not early atall

Why not let the value system reflect it all

flirting in the fireplace. !

"check this out. check this idea out. A highfunctioning alcoholic, but an alcoholic. In the Abe Lincoln days. Black & gay. " said matty

"I wonder who the girl I had sex with in new york city was, " said kyle, "i have no idea, no idea"

"you honest to god would not go to war if I had to go to war," demands matty

"kyle, you didn;t give me an answer"

"i said nothing"

"if you got sent to war, I would go with you to make sure you were okay" says matty

"you wouldn't go to war if I had to"

"yeah I would"

"why"

"to make sure you didn't get shot. pretty obvious."

"kyle?" matty thinks it's time to go home.

he's wearing the lavender infinicat sweatshirt, hasn't taken it off for days. you should see it next to my exboyfriend olive synthetic cardigan, which I haven't removed since before all the breakups. but the colors. the blue-lavender, what is it, it's like cornflower or periwinkle or something; I found a list of colors on the internet, and hasn't it proven glorious to look at

real fast

don't distrust me! a long time ago was a long enough time. go & get your cocktail; these blossoms are petrified & forever, but never everlasting.

as in, on "newyears"

by the by...

I am in the secret cavern, but I've friends so whatever