list of things I wanted this year so far

I would give him real hair should I have the choice, but I haven’t, and I’m learning to be more accepting.
I want to quit smoking and I want to run, and to dance. For my whole body to be sore for days and I'll feel like a billionaire.
 Stop drinking the tea.  
Pay all outstanding tickets.  

Eat Food.

Go to all the things.

I’ve got to write, right now isn’t so necessary. Keep a clean room, and rid of the mold in my house. And get some time to be alone, alone alone.
I still have many things to do. But I know one thing. I do not think that… No… I erase that.  
 Find new place to live.  
I will move away.
I can see myself alone. I can see myself having sex. I can  see also not doing that.  
I want relentless passion, empathy, intuition, curiosity, creativity, understanding. Good lovely bloodflow.  
 I need my place, I need to have a home. My own home indeed. With my girlie, a consistent environment.  
And to be independent, I want to go off & do these things because I’ll be 28 this year and it’s time to grow up, to grow a pair.  
Make Boise work because you are here, and no matter the glory of it, New York City is very, very far away, and Ida is the best thing in the world and will she appreciate a New York City, I can’t see it.  
Make the art, work the places, show the things & talk to the people, and see what’s important & do it, and remain alone if you must, if you must. I want to.  
 I have to talk to him about it.  
 I will concentrate on maintaining my health & being strong for me, and making everything I want to be, be. I will be gone during days, and if to write or research or read, then so I will, here and away.  
The honesty I want so badly is only for one.  

remember how effulgent I was in August? but then the last weeks of it, I sucked back into myself and radiated nothing. sometimes I am too vague; I intend to work it out, work it out & workit back in again. I am in denver now, sitting here in perfect denver mansion, thinking denver thoughts after a first night of sleep, alone in a house different that I'd never before been to. sleeping on someone's denver bed, and I had an anxiety dream that seemed to last all through the 9 am alarm up until the 9:45 alarm. dream about stealing, shoplifting from an albertsons type, a broken claire's accessories necklace, using the guise of purchased saltines packets (3) and the dream wore on. we were able to fool them, though. it was my old boyfriend kelly, #1, and he would mirage into another old boyfriend (#32) and he sort of saved the day at my request. I was up then, and decidedly stinking, and I walked in the denver sun past all the other denver mansions, past the denver hipsters and the denver vintage & record & bookshops, and I snuck myself into hunk manor, and who was sleeping on the bed but shirtless, underweared hunks and their hunky labradors, and I went unnoticed (luckily for me, for they would have wailed and snorted at having their little hunky sleeps disturbed) and rode my bike to drink coffee outside. everyone was smoking cigarettes. the girl behind the counter stared long & hard & it seemed everyone was, like, what, you haven't seen something like me yet before? I have many ones-of-a-kind, but I am also very easily dismissed. I am working hard, working working working on being agreeable. whatever you want. it is difficult to deal with men sometimes, with hunks. I know what they want for me. to not argue, to understand, cleverness, feminine comfort, agreeable agreeable agreeable. you want to play pinball? sure, honey. how about seeing some professional sports, live? oh kay! anything you want. I am getting good, but at the risk of caring less & less. whatever I want, whatever I want, there is no more. until I am back in my own surroundings, with the things I throw around me. labor day, labors of love & I am in it. but the love is just some stupid shallow beach, with puny little waves licking disinterestedly. way to go, colorado