jaded pinkett-smith

in highschool I had an acquaintance named Tjaden
  the T was silent
she was a teen raversomething
she wore big nylon ufo pants
& glowbras
& she'd get on all that ecstasy and twirl glowsticks
her boyfriend's name was Angus, he thought she was the hottest thing in the world.
he told Kari once that it's slutty to wear both eyemakeup and lipstick at the same time
Tjaden taught him this.
I never knew that makeup had anything to do with promiscuity
but I did notice that Tjaden (we'd always pronounce the T when discussing her) would usually be wearing both
so
was she slut-shaming herself?
what a shame
I think I might be
shaming, sometimes
but I never call anyone a slut, in seriousness
it's not a real word, it's an imaginary thing
I've told this to Kari on numerous occasions
bc sometime she shames herself in this way,
  though she'd never do this to anyone else
I think I am used to it
getting used to the what-does-it-matter
who-cares vibe
of those around me
I'm learning to be expectationless
maybe
maybe this is something I learned from you?
maybe I have something from you
  to be regretless about
or am I just
so terribly used to everything
that whatever life sparkle is dulled
and stimulation
falters, falls short of me
& I'm afloat in the who-cares
& the idgafs
until I punch my body back
to the no-it-matters-terribly
oh when will I see YOU again

one nightstand

one object cannot flank another object
one beard is not the world's beard
a bed on the floor doesn't allow for a tall table
  but a wooden box on which
to set earlymorning unmentionables
  or to obscure little desire-machines
  don't check my motor
  can I check my pockets?
give me your square teeth
  should I say hi to you?
sure, do it
  no no, nevermind
    don't say anything.
a bandana person
  save your scent to share
    get your neckblanket on me
to guzzle
   you through a nose & open drink mouth
I am pretending to smoke a cigarette
in the alleyway, back to the sun
  bc I want to think abt being naked, if you can imagine
  and the tight holds
handles of bones
  a spotted concave chest
    a long torso
      a maybe ugly
    a darling as darling as darling
instead of wandering, breaking everything
  shattering itall
    sparkle cuts allovertheplace
who needs furniture? we ask
  new orleans is on my to do, you said
  a given name? what give you me?
I'm really glad, you said
  we met
stay sweet, I said
  stay sweet, we said, and did
    I'll bet
from our low cushions
  and nightstands

get up, get out, and GET THAT PUSSY

dear diary, 

goodmorning! and such a promising morning. sitting out on sparkle porch, three days from it never being mine again. oh why do I keep my alarm set for 7:30? as if I'd need it! there's a squirrel chewing seeds and chuckking, Ida is keeping it together but she wants to destroy that shit & I'd like her to. such is life, never getting exactly what you want, am I right? so I've made some coffee, and I've got the morning sun kissing allover my skin, and the sounds of rich people's yards getting mowed around me, and that damn chuckle squirrel. I have much to do today. everything for the sale. I made $8 yesterday, diary. I sold neon yellow dirt shirt that advertises a company called knife river and on the back it reads like Singin' and Diggin' Deep. also, a faded glory brand child's bomber jacket, the "hipster vneck" - heather blue dyed purple-orange like pollutant sky, with triangles sewn around the neckline. and the weird robe dress thing, called Models Coat with the pearl snaps & giant pockets & paisley meant for an elementaryschool art teacher. I wanted to write the six-pack story, but a friend came over and then more so I drank the fox beer, 3, and a half of a sweetgrass. then I had a watermelon and a giant glass of ipa. that's nearly a six-pack story there, isn't it. I also made some hummus which the stoners were titillated by, but there is something not quite perfect about it. oh well, dinner: over!! for days!! I had some dreams I don't remember, the cabin of a sailboat, maybe, the caress of a hand lost to me. the thankfulness I have for friends who came by- that isn't a dream- Nickeys shows me a hand not lost. the ones who haven't heard, but who listen. Ian said something like, I don't mind a relationship that's a theater of pain... it is a theater of pain, and a theater of happiness... sometimes someone has to bang their head on the carpet, and then they stop, and then you watch terminator 2, and go to the bar and go to bed... and I'm thinking, it isn't so hard, is it? Kyle & the akron family would urge that love is simple. but I still haven't any choices so I will read a short story in my pretty last-days-of-cougar-den as romb, toom? ooh. 

I will wake up, 

I will get up, 

and I will get out, 

and 

tough pussy

ohh hiiii

let's go in this cave

goo crevice forever

let's goo bye

make stalag-might babies

make a maybe baybe

snuggle up to the calcium teat

a calcified treat

the beauty sparkle-spire

white, unlit

dank

 the echo of your hunger murmur

 the purr of your helpless guts

the rumble of

      whats that wumble in yo tummy?

come on baby, give us a break

a stalactite feed

a stalagmite feed you

but you're on all fours

moving through moist maze

underground tunnel

  illumined crystal castles

  from the ceiling, from the floor

  for thousands of years

building, tall-towered

or beaded tears on your beak

dripstone, 

dissolvestone

It's cool to be underground, am I wrong?

the temperature is so death

Where's my beating down sun?

my beaten down son, my troubled youth?

but it's soooh cooohwd in dis womb!

does baby wanna come out?

of his coohwd wittew womb? 

I thought a womb was meant to be cozy

but not too comfortable to shove you out when it's time

Let's go to the Chamber of Rarities, I don't think there's a wikipedia for it but it sounds fucking real

little consumptions

In late nights I inquire, in daytime I look about sideways at the overcast. In the night I look at the map of a day following, and I listen to the slide guitar drops of permanent rain. A spark of his eyes, the words, the touches, the rekindling she says. Remembering and the sun! o that broad sparkle. Everything like the trains, sometimes they awaken me. It was like a date, but we weren't/ didn't know to think to.